Q: Reg, I've heard that a medical peculiarity compels you to wear hats
with ear-flaps in the winter?
A: Reg - Yes, that's true. My brain is so large that it's pressing right
up against my earholes, so the slightest breeze can give me a nasty head
cold. Most people have a layer of fat and gristle with a piece of woolly
blanket encased in it surrounding their brain, so they only need warm
hats in the very coldest of weathers.
Q: What materials would you use if you were going to tart up your house
for the Olympic visitors in the year two thousand?
A: Peter - Brick cladding and decramastic tiles. Decramastic tiles are
particularly beautiful because the little red stones glued to the metal
tiles glisten in the afternoon sun, filling most people with a spiritual
longing that sends them straight to the church for a bout of hysterical
and tear-stained worship.
Q: Musicians and artists are supposed to possess 'soul' if they're
any good and apparently receive divine inspiration in the course of producing
their work. Do you have any knowledge of this type of divine intervention?
A: Reg - Not specifically, although I once caught a glimpse of a wispy
soul-like substance floating in the corner of my bedroom, but it may well
have been a piece of fluff catching the light. Apparently there are priests
who specialize in the measurement and elevation of souls, and they generally
agree that they are very light - far lighter than an atomic nucleus for
instance, and very difficult to isolate and study with any great degree
of accuracy. Interestingly enough, a German theologian recently claimed
that the divine spirit is in fact a Quantum force field as yet undiscovered
by scientists. So in order to access divine inspiration artists and musicians
may need to take advanced tertiary courses in Science and mathematics.
Q: It must be hard getting up on a stage and performing night after
night. Do you ever get nervous?
A: Peter - Not at all. Fortunately, I have been blessed with a very large
and healthy ego. In fact, it's about the same size and consistency as
a bullock's liver. The last time I took it out to admire it, I foolishly
left it lying on the kitchen table unattended and the cat helped itself
to a portion - but it doesn't appear to have affected it in any way because
I'm just as confident as ever.
Q: What are some of the highlights of your many years touring?
A: Reg - Getting to ride in the cab of a semi trailer most definitely.
A kindly driver on the road crew allowed me to sit in his truck, and sensing
my enthusiasm and excitement he agreed to take me for a ride. It was an
unsurpassable experience. It's not just the powerful engine and lording
it over the other traffic that causes elation - you achieve a keener spiritual
awareness because the high seats put you that much closer to the Bronze-Age
Sky God that rules the Earth.
Colour of eyes: Lavender mist, picket-fence white and lamp-black. Height:
Smaller than I look on TV but slightly taller than a dwarf.
Likes: Medieval church music, book learning, liars and cheats.
Dislikes: Classical music, boats and electrodes to the testicles
Colour of eyes: Green with envy. Height: Four inches shorter than Reg.
Likes: Going to church, reciting poetry in the toilet because it has good
natural reverb, and hedgehogs.
Dislikes: Gravel-rash and stomachaches.